Friday, September 13, 2013

I am really nervous about this whole baby thing.

Today is the day we find out our baby's gender... if baby cooperates. I'm early for this ultrasound, so I am pretty nervous they won't be able to tell. Not nervous for me, nervous for how crazy I'll go on the staff if they can't tell.

In some ways, I think today will change so much. After today, I will say, "My son" or "My daughter". I will tell my dad what color paint I want the nursery. Today, this baby will get real for me in a very big way. Today, I get a huge reminder that this baby isn't a pregnancy, an experience, but an actual human being.

I was never chomping at the bit to have children. It's a hard story to share, because so many people seem so confident that they want children, that children will enrich their lives. It's hard to say when I know so many people who have had struggled to have their own children. But I know other people need to hear they aren't alone if they feel like I do. And that it's okay if they don't want kids. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad Christian or anything.

I had no break-through moment about the whole thing. Honestly, our decision was more like a mathematical calculation than it was an epiphany. I'm 28, which isn't old, but certainly didn't make me want to wait any longer to start. Waiting, for a variety of reasons, wasn't a great fit for us. While it never makes sense financially to have a child, it certainly isn't an issue right now. There's no reason why we can't make it work. We have a great support system. We will have so much help with this baby.

So we are having a baby. That's really how it went. Some days, it panics me to think this is what we've chosen. I want to grab our current life around me, knowing it's all just grains of sand that will slip through my fingers. Last night, I struggled to pick my 3 1/2 year old niece up around my growing belly, realizing my primary role of aunt would fade into being a mother of my own child.

But today, I have a little hope. More than I am ready to announce "Lotus Elise!" (girl) or "Enzo Ferrari!" (boy), I am excited to see the outline of our baby's face. To see the tiny profile, to guess if it has my nose, or Robert's face shape. This gives me hope, my friends, that we'll be okay. It's a tiny moment, but it gives me relief. We don't have to be anyone else. We can do this our way. Even if our way is going to mean having to convince my husband that naming our child after a car is not an option (thanks for filling his head with ideas, Sean).