Showing posts from February, 2015

his intentions for me are good

I was reading the book of Esther.

Because I was so. tired. of everything feeling so hard.

What was the call we received? Why isn't our follow through working? Why is our life like this? Are we living accidentally or intentionally? What if it is accidentally and we can't change it?

I was casually talking to a licensed therapist today about our life - she was at a Q&A session at MOPs - and she asked if I wanted to schedule a session. That really made me feel great about our life.

When I read Esther's story, I feel like a lot of things that happened to her weren't exactly easy.

Virginity given to the King because he's mad at his wife.
King happens to be of skeptical character.
People are trying to kill her one remaining family member.
She doesn't know what to do.
She's of a race that someone is out to destroy. She has to keep who she is a secret.
She has to risk her life multiple times to try to save herself. Oh, and her entire nation.

I think a …

joe cried tonight when i put him down

Tonight, we did our bedtime routine, and then something remarkable happened.

Joe cried when I set him in his crib.
I cannot remember the last time he did that (except for in illness).
And since Joe does not snuggle or generally cry to be held, when I shut his bedroom door and heard him cry, "Mooooommmmmyyyy", I went back in and held him.

I sat in the rocking chair that we have sat in hundreds of times in the past year, and I let him snuggle into me and settle into sleep.

Tomorrow, Joe will wake up a 1 year old. And I won't have a baby anymore. I will be the mother of a one year old. So it seemed fitting that we would close out our year with this gesture, with this moment, with this gentle reminder that we are on the eve of the next stage.

I don't normally lean nostalgic, but this has hit me hard.

I held Joe tonight and thanked God for his life, I prayed for his future, I prayed for wisdom as a parent, and for the millionth time in the past year, my heart burst with l…

what i've been reading

California, by Edan Lepucki
A friend gave me this novel to read. It's decently written and a fast read. I hated, HATED the ending. The whole book was really up & down. I would either be bored and racing through to something interesting, or I would be wrapped up and holding my breath,. As much as I hated the ending, I do think it asks the question about how brave we really are, and how quickly we would give ourselves a life of ease even if it meant compromising our values.

Divergent, by Veronica Roth
I am so late to this party. Don't judge. I'm not even going to write about this, since everyone is way ahead of me here.

Big Little Lies, Liane Moriarty
I really liked this book. It's ultimately a book about domestic violence without being a domestic violence story. And it surprised me. I can't believe I didn't piece together all the clues... I'm usually always not-surprised in books. But this was a good one.

The Fault in Our Stars, John Green
Another party …

what i've been thinking about

as the time goes much too quickly toward joe's first birthday, this is what i think.

i look at that little face; the wiggly, crawling away little bum; that crazy, out of control mop of blonde hair; those busy, sneaky fingers.

and i think
this is what i will remember.
when you are grown up and not a baby and independent
this is what i will remember.

i will remember how you loved to open every door, cabinet and drawer and smile mischievously when caught.

I will remember how you would crawl to the top of  the stairs and make faces at me as you waved down at me.
 I will remember how you got into everything, discovered everything, and always looked up at me with that grin that charmed the world.