Friday, August 29, 2014

i've lost the TV remote

not kidding. i don't even know where it is right now. Robert is going to be mad if i've left the tv on all day because i can't find the remote.

anyway. that's not what this post is about.

If you know me well, you know my not-so-quiet disdain for Mark Driscoll.
My small group at church won't even say his name because they know they will be in for an hour long discussion of my issues regarding him and his practices.

"He's your brother in Christ, Chrissy. Don't judge him. Love him"
"He's reaching so many people, and people the church wouldn't normally catch. Isn't that honoring to God?"
"That's just Biblical teaching. Of course you aren't going to like it {you crazy liberal, you}."

I have heard these things over and over and over, but I never really shut up about it. When I found out I was pregnant, and pregnant with a boy, to say my heart was grieved over the influence of someone like Driscoll over the larger Church is an understatement.

I prayed almost everyday while I was pregnant that my son would have a better church than the one Driscoll built. I know we don't go to MH, but the influence of MH over the larger American church was undeniable.

I didn't speak out or pray those things because I am a hater. Or a crazy liberal (well, maybe, who knows). Or because I didn't see the good coming from MH (I mean, my brother and his wife went there). And I'm not going to lie - I wasn't always the most gracious about it all.

I did because I loved the Church. I saw it being beat down, in a huge way, and people seemed blindly to accept it because of all the other things. I saw the creeping influence of MH over other churches and it scared me. Were there good influences? Sure. But at a cost, and I cost that I would argue the church could not, should not pay. A cost I was not going to pass onto my son.

So you could think I am throwing some huge anti-Driscoll party over here, but that's not the case. Instead, I'm still praying. As a Christian, when one of us hurts, we all hurt. As the church, when a congregation is sick, ours is sick, too. Do you know who I thought of when I read about this all? Grace Driscoll. I'm guessing her life is pretty crappy right now. I'm guessing she could use some love and support and prayers. We don't hate her, and we don't hate her husband, and I bet she feels like neither one of those things is true and that can't be easy.

My heart is relieved in knowing the issues are being corrected. But this isn't where the story ends, and the hard work is just beginning. I believe, fully and truly, our God is a healer, and a restorer, and that much great things can lie ahead for MH and for Driscoll.

I am no better than Driscoll. I am not any more worthy of God's grace or love. I will throw a party when Driscoll is restored (if he chooses to continue on as a pastor). Because that's what we celebrate in the Christian life - Christ's redemption of us all.

Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. For if anyone thinks he is something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. -Galatians 6:1-3

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

6 months

We have officially kept Joe alive for half a year.
Go team!

Joe loves music.
Joe loves his feet.Joe loves the dog. Joe loves his Ferrari.
Joe loves moving - wiggling, bouncing, walking, car rides.
Joe loves playing with his momma, daddy... or anyone. Joe loves that everyone loves him... but he does love everyone back.
Joe is a happy, lively, energetic, attention-loving little guy.
We love him so.


Monday, August 18, 2014

for Michelle

Be ready in season and out of season.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race.
I have kept the faith.
{from 2 Timothy 4}

Our pastor preached on this passage this Sunday. At one point, he spoke about the verses just before this, about preaching the word, and how some times preaching the truth upsets people, and they may send you a mean email. They may accuse you of calling them out, speaking directly to them, when in fact, as a pastor, you have no clue who your message will impact in what way.

Then he moved on to the passage above. He said, "If you are in a place this morning where you are tired and feel like giving up on Christianity, keep fighting. You have to finish the race well, you have to keep the faith." (well, I am paraphrasing. I am sure what he actually said was more articulate and interesting than that)... and I felt like he was talking to me. (don't worry, no mean emails will be sent)

If you had asked me before the service that morning if I felt like giving up, I would have told you I was just fine. But as I sat there and thought about Matt's words (and I'm sorry Matt, I was stuck on that point so I tuned out for a while, but I think that's allowed), I realized, deep, deep down, a part of me does want to give up.

This fight is beating us down.
The race conditions have worsened.
I feel my faith is quiet, too quiet.
And I don't know what to do.

I told Robert yesterday that I am angry. I am angry about a lot things, more angry than I have quite possibly have ever been in my whole life. I will spare you the long list here, but it includes losing my father-in-law, feeling overwhelmed as a new parent, frustration with our own materialism and selfishness, watching a child we love die, and many other things.

Maybe I have to be angry. Maybe it's the only way I will be moved into action. Maybe it's the only way my heart will change. Maybe God is tired of my apathy.

I was thinking of it all again this morning when I pulled up my daily devotional (while pumping, of course, which also makes me angry. if you have ever pumped, you understand why)

The first two words brought me to tears:
hold fast

That was literally the title of the devotional. 
hold fast

I spent all day yesterday saying, "Lord, I don't know what to do. And I'm angry about all these things. And you are so quiet and I feel tired of waiting to listen for you."

This morning he answered me -
hold fast

It's not much. It's not concrete. But it's an answer as clear as day, so I am going to do my best to obey.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;and let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds…”
- Hebrews 10:22-24

Thursday, August 14, 2014

working it out

I remember the old me. The me that would run 4 miles without blinking. The one who did HIT workouts daily.

What happened?

I'm going to say it, and hold on before you get all angry with me: pregnancy ruined my body.

I was so, so, SO sick while pregnant. I would just lie on the couch, waiting to throw up. Some times I could manage to walk, a little. I had already enrolled in one dance exercise class before I got pregnant and fought to finish those 12 weeks.

I really could not move while pregnant. Next time you have the flu, go for a jog and let me know how that goes.

To make matters worse, the only foods I could eat tended to be the worst things possible: potato chips and French fries were often on the list. To make this even worse, if I let my stomach get too empty, I was in deep, deep trouble. Our church small group can attest to the amount of Sweetarts I consumed. I can't even look at one now. *Shudder*

So there I sat, on the couch, drinking lemonade, eating potato chips one at a time. For nine long, long months.

This killed every ounce of muscle I had. This produced much weight gain, despite the vomiting. This also made me lactose intolerant (I still don't get that one).

I don't hate my body. It did it's best. It wasn't it's fault that being pregnant really took a toll on it.

But I'm taking it back, guys.
One work out at a time.
One healthy meal at a time.
...and one Lactaid at a time.

I don't know if I"ll ever be in that great shape that I was before Joe. I don't care. All I know is that Joe deserves a healthy, happy momma, and that's what we are working towards.

Besides, he's going to be fast. I gotta be able to keep up.

Tuesday, August 12, 2014

cleaning it out

as i start to clear through and clean stuff out, as we prepare to move, i find myself asking over and over again...

why do we have this?

we have so. much. stuff.

i am 100% disgusted with my own materialism, my own belief that this stuff was worth our money when there are people in need. people who don't eat dinner. children who don't have diapers or formula. people who struggle to have a home.

and i have 3 coffee makers.


we need to downsize. right now. i'm not doing this anymore. i am not believing this lie any longer. i am not packing this stuff up and moving it. it's not worth my time to pack and unpack. it's not worth my time to keep up with this house. it's not worth our money to pay for a mortgage for a house much bigger than we need.

i feel almost sick looking around here. we have to change. we have to change for joe. we have to change for those people in need.

anyone else doing a clean out, both spiritually, physically, emotionally right now?

Friday, August 8, 2014

what's working: June & July

Sleep. Joe has been doing better at nights (though we still get up, don't be fooled). It's amazing how much a few hours of consistent sleep can change your life.

Family. In the wake of the sudden loss of Robert's dad, all of his siblings and their families came to town. It was such a comfort to be together. It was so fun to watch Joe interact with his aunts, uncles, and cousin. Seeing them all together, it may or may not have convinced this hyperemsis momma to consider giving Joe a sibling... one day. Via adoption.

Food. Our house got flooded with food & alcohol (we have good friends). I've been cooking and baking. A hot dinner can go a long way.

Letting go. I feel like I will always view Joe's first year of life as before Don died and after Don died. After Don died, I stopped caring. I don't care about naps, a schedule, sleep props, breastfeeding, or anything. I make Joe eat much as possible and try to help him sleep when I know he needs to sleep. I don't really worry about anything else.

Real food. Joe loves real food. Avocados, sweet potatoes, green beans, eggs - Joe adores these. He tries regularly to drink my coffee and diet coke and looks down right angry at us when we don't feed him things he cannot chew because he does not have teeth. He hates breastfeeding and hates bottles.

Coffee. Pregnancy and lots of nursing kept my coffee drinking down until recently. Coffee is really, really  good, people. I missed it so much.

Less internet. Our internet has been goofy. One day it was off the whole morning... and I got so much done. So I've been trying to cut back on mindless internet time.

Yoga and walking. It's nice to move again. I miss running but don't sleep enough to do it right now... so we will wait.

Monday, August 4, 2014

We were feeling bored?

You may (or may not) have heard that we decided to list our house for sale.

There's a lot of reasons why, and a lot of them are kind of complicated to explain. In case you were worried, we are fine. Robert's job is fine. On the financial end, seeing what our floor plan is being built for (much more than we paid) was a big motivating factor, but we don't want anyone to think we are in trouble or anything like that - we're fine.

We realize moving with a baby is sort of a stupid idea. Why would we do it? I don't know. We were feeling bored, maybe? JUST KIDDING. The truth is, Joe isn't the only baby in the world, and while Joe is loved and cared for, there are plenty of babies and people who need our help. Help we could give to them instead of our mortgage payment.

We love our house. We know everyone who knows us knows that we love our house. People who have stayed with us or lived with us love our house. We definitely pictured ourselves living here a long time. But do you know what? We lost a parent this year, and he didn't take his house with him to heaven. He's not exactly living in his house up there, and it made us realize how much it doesn't really matter that we love our house.

Pray our house sells, pray we find the right house, and pray we have wisdom and what to do once we make this change.