a full discloser

When I had Joe, I used to look at moms with newborns who managed to be somewhat put together and wondered how they did it.

How were they not losing their minds?
How were they not crying all the time?
How were their babies so happy?
How did they seem so calm and I seemed like such a wreck?

When I got help for my post partum depression, I started to see a turn around. When Robert's dad died and I quit caring what anyone told me, I started doing what I wanted with my baby and saw another jump of improvement.

As a second time mom, I have the benefit of all that experience. I don't want anyone to look at me right now and think, "wait - how is she so functional?!?!" and not know all the behind the scenes.

First, "functional" is relative. I spend 90% of my day feeding a baby, doing laundry, doing dishes, and keeping my 2 year old alive. That's it. You may see the other 10% and be impressed, but it's a lot of messy hair and yelling, "JOE DON'T TOUC…

when your birthday doesn't mean anything anymore

Today would have been my father-in-law's birthday. Isn't it weird to think that one day, we will die, and our birthdays are almost null? We have lots of birthdays we celebrate with our friends, families, and their kids, too. Birthdays are a big deal. Until you stop celebrating them.

And the weirdest part of this? I'm actually so, so glad to know that one day, my birthday won't mean anything. That is there something bigger, more significant, more important than the time I spend here on earth. I find that comforting on an existential level.

The truth is, I get mad some times. I get mad at the milestones and moments I don't get to have with my father-in-law. It feels like being robbed, over and over again.

C.S. Lewis said, "There are far, far things better ahead than any we leave behind." When I think about that, my anger fades. While the birthdays of my kids feel like a big deal, they are nothing compared to what Don gets in glory. They are nothing. I can&#…

i love having a 2 year old

I don't know who called the 2's terrible, because from what I hear, it's really 3 that we need to watch out for.

I love having a 2 year old.
Every single day, I turn to Robert and I say, "Can we keep him like this? It's perfect. Just for a bit longer. Not forever. Just maybe an extra year?"

I know I talk a LOT about the craziness of two. It IS crazy. But it's a hilarious crazy. It's ABSURD. My son cannot talk and argues with me on a daily basis. While that's frustrating, it's also laugh out loud funny. And no, I do not get anything done, but there's a hilarity in that, too. While it may seem awful that my son can undo child locks and doesn't listen and is almost never still, all those things are what make him an amazing little person. He's bright and mechanical and determined. I wouldn't change any of those things about him.

Two year olds are funny, and Joe's sense of humor bloomed over night. While he is often intentionall…

the idol of safety

I'm not going to lie. When I heard this morning about what else happened to the little girl who was murdered, I really had a moment. My arms dragged as I lifted Joe to his car seat. I opened the door to the gym and really thought about turning around so I didn't have to leave him in the child care area (which is friendly and full of wonderful stuff). And then I thought about what our pastor preached on yesterday - Joshua 24 - choose this day whom you will serve. 

Fear is a master and it makes you it's slave, robbing you of goodness and life. 

Jesus said you can't serve both God and money, and I think the same thing is true about fear. You can't experience God's unconditional love if you choose fear. Today, I'm going to choose God. That doesn't mean I'm not a good parent who leaves her kid with just anyone. That doesn't mean it's not my job to know who my kid is with and where he is at all times. That doesn't mean I don't get to say &qu…

Grace in a season of limitedness

Now that my second pregnancy is public, here's the {not too gory} details of how it's going:

If you knew me at all when I was pregnant with Joe, you knew my life was overtaken by Hypermesis Gravidarum. It was a long 9 months.

I was dreading pregnancy again. I truly was, and it wracked me with guilt because I know couples who would give anything - including 9 months of health and happiness - for babies. But it doesn't make rolling that dice any easier. You have 3 prospects when you have a history of HG - same, worse, or better. No guarantee on what you'll get. It's truly a roll of the dice.

I used to say that Joe was the most planned baby in the history of mankind, but this little one will take that title. I worked for MONTHS before I got pregnant again, following every tip and trick I could find to lessen and avoid HG. It wasn't obsessive, but I felt like it was due diligence. I had to do what I could, mostly because my job is caring for an active toddler.

I di…

it feels like Christmas!

Everyone here in Indiana is freaking out over our warm, green, Christmas weather. "It can't be Christmas without snow!" They cry.

Meanwhile, I feel like this is totally appropriate Christmas weather. When you spend 90% of your childhood Christmases in Southern California, 60 degree weather is right on target. In fact, it's been making me feel full of nostalgia and a bit giddy. It FEELS like Christmas.

It just goes to show that so much of life is what we are used to. One person's disappointment is someone's preference. We are products of culture and habit. We can't ever think we know all the right things, or our way is always the right way. 

I hope no matter what your expectations are this Christmas, you find yourself filled with joy and peace. And when life hands you a green or white Christmas to your dismay, you still find a way to stand in awe of our Savior.

This Christmas, may our expectation be set aside as we say, "Come, thou long expected, Jesu…

a blog about a blog

I've been thinking about something for a very, very long time. In a way, it came to a head for me yesterday, and then I read this blog post this morning and I decided it's my turn to talk a little bit about this issue.

For a long time, I've been saying, "It's not you, it's me", but I think it may actually not be me.

I read that blog this morning and tears came into my eyes. Tears of frustration, of loneliness, of relief. Frustration for things I do not agree with but I feel are accepted as "cultural norms", loneliness for thinking I am one of a very select few who think this way, and relief to hear that I am not the only one.

That last one is why I decided to write this blog: if you read that above blog post and resonate; or if you sit somewhere on Sunday desperately wanting to worship God but wrestling with a Christian church or the American Christian Church; if in …