Wednesday, August 19, 2015

the question.

"Do you want more kids?"

I pause. The question. Do I want more kids?

Joe is that age. That age where many people add their second child.

I have no easy answer to that question. We love Joe with our hearts and souls and love being his parents. I love being at home with him (most days ;) ), and I love our little life together. We watch him get bigger and better and wish for all things baby. "Of course we want another baby!" I want to say.

Hyperemsis gravidum is a weird thing. You are totally fine, and then you get pregnant, and you are totally not fine. Then, after 9 long months, you get a newborn, which requires all your energy and work after you already gave all your energy and work just to stay out of the hospital while pregnant, and then, 18 months into motherhood, you are totally fine again. So I should do it again, right? After all, how cute is my kid?

I hold my friends' babies and my heart aches. A baby. I look at my sister and brother and think I could have not asked for better life-long friends. A sibling.

But it's just not that simple.  I know I can do it, I know will make it. I know there's a chance that some of it will be easier the next time around. But that's a big gamble, and it's a bet I'm likely to lose.

And in that, I will lose everything. Which will be okay, but I'm not going to lie - I love what we do! I love my MOPs group, my women's Bible study. I love helping people, running errands without puke bags, exercising, cooking, hosting events, going to events, going to church, volunteering at church, staying awake past 9PM, traveling, and doing a number of things that are nearly impossible when I'm pregnant. That's a long 9 month prison sentence - with a toddler, none the less. Maybe it's selfish. Maybe it's smart. Maybe it's a mix of the two.

{and i will take a second to recognize that I know many people who would give anything for the choice to be able to have their own children. I don't know what that feels like, and I know this probably sounds crazy to someone who just wants to have a baby. But this struggle is real, too, I promise}

So do we want more? Yes. Do I want to be pregnant again? No. Do we want to consider other routes to expand our family? Maybe. But those aren't simple answers, either.

So do I want more children? Sure, when God puts it on my heart that it's time. Until then, I'll keep doing all the other things he's called me to do while I'm healthy and have a healthy toddler. And I'll keep praying for courage and strength if he calls me to pregnancy again.