I've been thinking about something for a very, very long time. In a way, it came to a head for me yesterday, and then I read this blog post this morning and I decided it's my turn to talk a little bit about this issue.
For a long time, I've been saying, "It's not you, it's me", but I think it may actually not be me.
I read that blog this morning and tears came into my eyes. Tears of frustration, of loneliness, of relief. Frustration for things I do not agree with but I feel are accepted as "cultural norms", loneliness for thinking I am one of a very select few who think this way, and relief to hear that I am not the only one.
That last one is why I decided to write this blog: if you read that above blog post and resonate; or if you sit somewhere on Sunday desperately wanting to worship God but wrestling with a Christian church or the American Christian Church; if in Christian culture you often feel like you are a round peg in a square hole; if you know only pieces of your faith make sense and they don't fit with many other people's pieces of faith - you. are. not. alone. I read that and cried, I sit and feel alone, I am the strangest shaped peg, my pieces don't go with other people's.
And all that is okay.
I often pray the prayer, "Lord, move - or move me." So far, I keep being moved, and I keep being moved farther away from the direction I think I should be going. I do not get moved back to mainstream Christianity, but I often feel like I am moving closer to Christ. So far, I haven't ever felt moved to leave church, and that's not really an appealing option, anyways.
This is not a passive aggressive statement towards anyone in particular, or towards a Body of Believers, or any one thing; nor is it a criticism or calling out of anyone who has not had these feelings. I am a member of a church I love. I call myself a Christian. But I keep many things buried deep within, and when I cannot reconcile them, I leave at the feet of Jesus. I don't need anyone to agree with me, but I don't necessarily need to agree with anyone, either. I just need space to exist and trust that God is faithful to me - someone who is not wise, who has a lot of questions, and who recognizes her need for a Savior.
When all else fails, I cling to that old rugged cross. It has never failed me. I hope you can do the same.