and then Justin Timberlake wrote that song

{written on the 20th anniversary of the passing of my paternal grandfather}

Did you ever feel grateful our generation's Justin was Timberlake and not Bieber? Who would have ever thought JT was actually kind of ok, all things considered?

In the past couple of months, I've felt like our youth is sort of slipping. Not like Robert and I are getting old (though I will not comment on how I fall asleep at 9:30pm regularly), but how I can feel our 20s ending. Robert had his gallbladder out. We are making big life/career decisions. We aren't buying time like we used to. There are realities to this stage of life, good and hard ones. One of the hardest ones, for me, was the cancer diagnosis of my only living grandparent.

My days with her are ending.

I am no stranger to death, or even death before it's time. So even I am surprised by how hard this reality is for me, though my grandmother is in her 80s. This has all been swirling around in my head, emotions I couldn't quite pin down. Then I heard the new Justin song "Mirrors" for the first time with this introduction - he wrote it about dealing with the reality of losing his grandparents.

Boom. Crying in the car over a Justin Timberlake song. If you hear it, it sounds like any other "baby I don't want to lose you song"... unless you know that's what it's about. Then you'll cry in your car.

Every once in a while, when we meet success, when we do something big, when I hold my niece or nephew, when we sing a hymn, when I see the laughter in my sister's eyes... I feel my grandparents who have already passed. Not in a creepy ghost way, but I am aware that in no small way what I have is possible only because of their hard work and sacrifice. I want to call my Grandpa Young, have him be proud of the financial stability Robert and I have worked for, have him know we bought our first home together before 30. I want to take my Grandma Young shopping, and see how her taste and love for the expensive has come right out in us. When we sing in church, I want hear the booming voice of my Grandpa Milt, echoing the prayers and praises of saints for generations. I want them to know how grateful I am for what they gave us. I want to make them proud. And I don't want to let go. If I'm honest, it's a little intimidating to feel like I'm about to press on through this next stage.

'Cause I don't wanna lose you now
I'm lookin' right at the other half of me
The vacancy that sat in my heart
Is a space that now you hold
Show me how to fight for now
And I'll tell you, baby, it was easy
Comin' back into you once I figured it out
You were right here all along

It's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me
I couldn't get any bigger
With anyone else beside of me
And now it's clear as this promise
That we're making
Two reflections into one
Cause it's like you're my mirror
My mirror staring back at me, staring back at me

"Mirrors", Justin Timberlake