forward.

i hate lasts.
last night in our house.
i brought my first baby home to this house.
so many things have happened to us here.

change is never easy, friends.

when i feel that knot in my stomach rise up and catch myself holding my breath, i force my abdomen to relax. "breathe", i remind myself. the shutting of the door is hard, the few steps forward to the new one is always the hardest part. usually, once we're there, it's ok.

we just have to take those steps.

i spoke last year at our women's retreat.
the past isn't bad, i recounted to my fellow sisters, but if we hold onto it and wrap our hands around it until our knuckles turn white, it becomes an idol. if we don't let go, it will get in the way of our worship.

God only calls us forward.

while i don't have all the pieces to the big picture of what's next for us, i know this is my next step. i can slip this piece into that puzzle confidently. even though there's still that knot in my stomach.

i had one good semester in college - one. and i wasn't at college - i went on consortium to an urban studies program in San Francisco. if you ever hear me talk about a "friend from college", 99% chance it's from that one semester. needless to say, i didn't exactly want to go back to my normal college experience. and a friend there shared that beautiful Sara Groves song - Pictures of Egypt.

i have played that song on repeat over and over.
when i left that semester.
when i moved across the country.
when i moved back across the country.
when i got married.
when we moved to Nashville.
when we moved to this house.
when we joined our church.
when we said good-bye to our dear family when they moved away.
when we got brave about where we were at.
when i was sick while pregnant.
when i was still sick while pregnant.
when robert lost his job.
when robert started the company (i was still sick & pregnant)
when i quit my job to stay home.
when i was a scared new mom.
when i buried my father-in-law.
when i became less of  scared new mom.
when i buried a family friend.
when i held my dad's hand in the hospital after he nearly died.
when i thought God was calling us to something new.

because the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things i've learned.

This is what God says,
    the God who builds a road right through the ocean,
    who carves a path through pounding waves,
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands.

Isaiah, the Message

you could say we've been in the badlands.

but my river is bursting forth.

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