it's hard.

I had a conversation with a friend recently, and I was talking about losing my father-in-law, watching my husband mourn, and watching him pick up the pace at work since he was in business with his dad.

"I could worry, but I'm not in control anyway. I can either trust that God's plan is bigger than mine, or I can worry. Honestly, I don't know how people do it without faith, without Jesus. I'd be panicking."

My friend looked right at me and said, "But isn't it hard even with him?"

If I have led you to believe that living our life of not-so-dull moments is easy, I'm sorry.

It is hard.
This is hard. Even with Jesus.

This is the moment where my heart is broken.

This is the moment where I sincerely, honestly, truly regret picking a study of the book of James for our small group this summer.

Count it all joy, my friends, when it is hard. That's what James tells us. Not, "Hey, you could have some tough things coming" or "go ahead and whine, it's totally unfair." Count it all joy.

I didn't want to learn what that meant. I didn't want my faith to produce steadfastness, so I could be found perfect and complete, as James writes. If I'm perfectly honest, I was happy. I wanted to believe in Jesus, drink my coffee, and love my church friends.

And when I get mad, when I start to doubt, the words from our James Bible study echo in my heart...

Do not be deceived, Chrissy. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:16-17)

There has been darkness - but my Father is a God of light. I've had things taken away - but God gives perfectly and he is good. Our world is completely different - but God remains the same.

But that still means we feel darkness, we lose, and things change.
It's hard.
I've been reading Psalm 61 every day.

When my heart is faint,
lead me to the rock
that is higher than I.

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