Dull Moments

I had a conversation with a friend recently, and I was talking about losing my father-in-law, watching my husband mourn, and watching him pick up the pace at work since he was in business with his dad. "I could worry, but I'm not in control anyway. I can either trust that God's plan is bigger than mine, or I can worry. Honestly, I don't know how people do it without faith, without Jesus. I'd be panicking ." My friend looked right at me and said, "But isn't it hard even with him? " If I have led you to believe that living our life of not-so-dull moments is easy , I'm sorry. It is hard. This is hard. Even with Jesus. This is the moment where my heart is broken. This is the moment where I sincerely, honestly, truly  regret picking a study of the book of James for our small group this summer. Count it all joy, my friends, when it is hard . That's what James tells us. Not, "Hey, you could have some tough things coming"...

There is nothing like trial by fire to learn about your 4.5 month old. The past 10 days, as I mentioned before, Joe has been taken completely out of his little world and did great. Here's what we got to learn about him... Joe is an extrovert (at least at this stage of his life). With all the people around to entertain, Joe smiled, babbled, and hardly wanted to stop to eat or sleep. I've never seen him light up so much and be so social. Joe is a flirt. He is waaaay more smiley for women. Joe gets slap happy when he's tired. It's pretty hilarious and pretty goofy. Until he comes unglued. Joe wants to eat solids. My child has fought nursing, bottles, formula, etc. But he loves food. Right now he's only allowed avocados 1x a day. When I put him in his high chair, he leans forward and start licking and smacking his lips. He will sit quietly in his chair, even when he's super fussy, because he knows food is coming. He stares longingly at cups, forks, and the...

Over a year ago, a very dear mentor and friend gave me this verse to comfort me during a time of transition. Over a year ago, I had no idea how much our lives were about to change. 90% of our family that lived in town moved away. I got pregnant with Joe. I got hyperemsis gravidum while pregnant. My last living grandparent died. We started a new small group at church that changed our lives (and I hope theirs!). My husband lost his job. My husband started a new company with his father and a family friend. Joe was born. I quit my job. My father-in-law died. 12 months, friends, is not a long time. Some times I close my eyes and I picture myself 15 months ago, not even pregnant with Joe yet, living a totally different life. 15 months ago, I was hosting a surprise 60th birthday party for my father-in-law, probably drinking a glass of wine or something in my perfectly clean house, relishing in how good God was and is to us. But God is so, so gracious. He gave me this Word to ...

He's a pretty cute kid. And he's been the ideal baby these past few days, despite a lack of sleep, food, mommy-time, or any type of normalcy. He's got some big shoes to fill.  Carry on the legacy, little Joe.

I can't even process losing my father-in-law. I don't know if I have ever loved someone quite the way I loved him. But to honor him, I will say this... My mother-in-law's reverend came over yesterday to help us plan the service. "People will say, 'It gets easier with time.' Just kick them in the shins. It doesn't get easier. It gets easier for them, maybe." I keep coming back to this and it keeps making me laugh. And my father-in-law would be happy to know that we are still finding ways to laugh.

I am not someone who would describe myself as someone that does well on little sleep. I would tell you that it's a struggle for me to have a good day on 7 hours. Oh how things have changed. I meant to write a post on my first mother's day, but honestly, I was so overtired and wracked with post partum depression and anxiety that I could barely function. After an intervention from my husband and the help of countless family and friends, a check in with my ob, we've turned a corner. What did I not expect in motherhood? The sleep deprivation. The constant second guessing, the constant feeling that I'm doing something wrong or should be doing more. We are reading "Be Mature", a study of James, in our small group. It's all about embracing the trials, knowing that God is shaping you. I did not expect for my faith to be stretched so much. But it brings so much joy. I can't do more. I don't know what I'm doing. But this is a calling. I have ...

-We found the golden goose of parenthood: the perfect babysitter. You want to know what's working for us? THAT. She adores Joe. Her parents drive her one way. She is polite and perfect. I basically want her to move in. Bonus? Her sister cuts our lawn and loves our dog. -Accepting help. This is hard for me, super type A, super I always have it together. But it's a necessary reality in my life that I need weekly, some time daily help -Daddy time. Robert coming home at a decent hour and spending time with Joe. Robert taking Joe when he wakes before 7am (he's getting ready for work anyway). Robert taking Joe on errands on the weekend. I have mad respect for single parents. I don't know how they do it. -Formula. I know. Super controversial. But we now do what's called "combo feeding" (where you both breastfeed, pump, and give formula) and it's saved my mind and kept us breastfeeding when I was ready to give up. Plus, Joe has gained more weight, sleeps...