I'm fixed upon it

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.

What do these 2 things have to do with each other? We've been doing a study about grace with our church community group. This past week's lesson was about trusting God in the dark times, and not finding a Plan B.

"Plan B?" I thought. "I have Plans B-Z".
Because I am that above superhero. I am Anxiety Girl. This makes you have a lot of Plan Bs, Cs, Ds.

The whole purpose of the study was to consider stopping out plan b-ing and start letting go and trusting. Even when it sucks. Even when it's scary. Even when the walls of a true anxiety disorder start closing in my mind.

What are you afraid of? Not like, spiders, but truly, deeply, darkly afraid of? That crazy, secret, some times even silly fear that you would never want to admit?

I accepted a job this week. It's a part-time job. It's clearly the job that I am supposed to take. But I am anxious. Anxious that if I do not work full time now, we will not be able to eat well, we will never be able to buy the house of our dreams, and then our kids will end up in some crazy school district, and on top of being malnourished, all become drug dealers.

Yes, by me taking a part time job, I am convinced that I am making our hypothetical children crack dealers. Which, by the way, I am not working at all right now and we are doing JUST FINE.

Do you see how silly that sounds when you actually work through it in the light, away from the dark corners of your mind?

I actually do want this job, and I have been trying to talk myself out of it every which way. because not trusting yourself is hard. I need to trust God to provide for us. Which is funny, because he always has, and not just financially.

Within minutes of taking the job, I had peace. I also had so many amazing things happen. Opportunities to do other things that really excite me, to follow dreams, to build relationships. Suddenly, it was the best thing ever. Way better than my Plan B.

So, I'm letting go. I will fix upon the mount, because the alternative, my plans, are really no good. Because God's redeeming love is so great that He will give me more than I could ever deserve or imagine. And I'm sure it's more than enough to keep my children from becoming scurvy driven crack dealers.

Praise the mount! I'm fixed upon it,
mount of thy redeeming love.


  1. Love it! Keep trusting. Our trust always and only needs to be in God, our heavenly Father. Love you! **MOM**


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